There is nothing more inspiring and beautiful then seeing perfectly fit 70 year old people jogging at the stadium at 7am.The grass on the soccer field freshly cut smells so natural,the air so fresh,with so much oxigen that its a little hard to breath.Pigeons walk on the treadmill,so used to the runners,that they don’t even bother moving when someone is passing by.The sun is rising,the air is still a bit chill,but its getting warmer with every minute.With every lap that you run you feel more energy.More runners are arriving and i feel so happy because this is the place where the young and old,the rich and poor,everyone is united,everyone is doing the same thing.I know that i m surrounded by people who were not lazy to get up at 6am and get their ass to the stadium,some of them will go to the work later this day,some will study,some will go watch tv,some will cook meals for the family,but at this moment they all are doing their best,getting healthy and challanging themselfs.I am proud to be among this people.

I finish the 3,5 mile run,do stretching,push ups,some more exersizes,i think i m done.Wait…I take my Nike’s off and step on the treadmill barefoot,i go to the soccer field and around it barefoot.The grass is still wet and cold,it feels like running on the soft clouds.Now i m done.I put the shoes back on and go home,i walk down the street and smile.I know it will be a good day.

-Hello!How are you today?

Another stranger passes by with the stupid greeting.I put on my best fake smile.Boy,this is hard.I hate faking,mainly because i am realy bad at doing that.That fake smiles make me wanna through up,sometimes i wish i could answer the question.How am i doing?-Bad.Wanna hear more?

But there are things that we wish we could say,but we just can’t,we are not supposed to,we are afraid.I often get asked questions that i could answer…it will take me an hour to explain my point of veiw,i will bring examples,smart quotes….But i know that no one needs that answer.The just wount understand.I tried.And all i get in return is a confused glance,and a simple:Oh,okay…

I wish i could explain my parents why i want to be a blood donor,i wish i could talk about politics and future,i wish i could tell my friends why i don’t do this and that,i wish  people knew where i come from and what i am before judging….I wish i could talk and  be heard.

But i face the empty eyes and a fake smile,ignorance and unwillingness to change.

You say i look fine
If only you knew what’s on my mind
You’d see a whole different side
I couldn’t show you even if i tried…

Last couple of months changed me so much,through struggles,through pain,i feel that i grew up,there is still deffinetly a lot of room for improvement but i m realy happy with the changes that i made.

I found motivation and got my goals cleared up,i know where i m going now and imma work my ass off to get what i want.I realised how much potential i have,no one ever gave me a credit for anything other than tennis and i though that it s the only thing i can ever do in my life.Now i know its not true,tennis is my life and i ll never quit,but i can clearly do other things at the same time and be good at it.I don’t want to go to college because my parents say so,or because its the only option anymore.I want it myself.I want it because i feel like it will open so many doors for me,i know it will help me grow up more and will help my tennis too.I m going there to work,not to party,not to hang out with boys,but to work and study.I chose a hard major,but i m ready to do it,i already have a clear vision of what i will do with the knowlage that i will get.People think that i m kidding when i start talking about some serious stuff and projects that i have,the truth is-this is the real me,yes i seriously want to do volunteering,adopt a child,be a blood donor,open a sports medicine hospital and do good stuff.And i will do it,no matter what you say.

I found ways to expess my anger and frustration and ways to make myself feel better without alcohol or food.I learned how to be happy with small things.I learned how to have fun without spending money.I found out who my real friends are.I stopped eating meat.I always loved anymals and now i am proud to say that i don’t eat those that i love.It changed me and opened my eyes,realy.Everyone laughs,but i don’t care,i know where i m going and haters,you can kiss my ass.

I am strong,I can survive

But it breaks my heart to see my mama cry.

Knowing I can’t help makes my throat dry,

Why,Why?

Why take chances,feeling so high,

Don’t you know you can fall in a blink of an eye?

.

You still act snobbish like nothing is wrong,

Open your eyes,your throne is gone!

All the wealth and happiness and fame were drawn,

Illusions dissolve,come on!

.

I hope you see one day the pain you v caused

I know you v got a soul,but its just frozed

You ll see that all the doors are closed

And  realise how much you v lost

.

I gave you chances,all of them you blew,

I feel ashamed for putting blame on you,

You treated me like shit but still i do,

But don’t rise your hopes,i wanna be nothing like you.

They say that in order to calm a women down you just have to give her a new fur coat.That goes countries with cold winter,like Russia,for others expensive jewelry will do.I don’t think i will ever agree with that saying.

I have never been a materialist.When i was little i never begged for toys,baloons or candy,like other kids do.Every time i saw a toy i liked i would first check its price and then “accidently” drop a phrase like:Dad,look,thats a cute teddy bear,isn’t it? And then i just waited,i knew if he was in the mood and had money he would ask me if i want it.If he didn’t,i would just sigh and forget about it.I knew that sometimes dad just doesn’t pay attention to what i m saying,so i might wanna repeat my comment about the cute toy,but i usually didn’t.I was afraid to ask for something,i didn’t want to put my parents in an akward position when they need to explain their child in front of other parents that they don’t have money.

I remember when i was about 5 years old we were invited to my parents friends house.That lady had a son who was 3 or 4 years older than me.We had some tea and cake and then the boy and his mom took me to the room full of toys,they said:Choose anything you want,we don’t  need this toys anyways. I looked around,there were so many toys around,i wanted to take them all obviously.In the corner i saw a beautiful Barbie doll,it was still in the box and with a price tag.The doll had a gorgeous green dress and flawless hair.Of course i wanted that doll,i knew that the boy doesn’t need it and i could ask for it.I stood there staring at the doll when the lady came to me.

“You like it?It was a present from some friends,they thought i had a daughter not a son,we never unpacked it.”

“Yes,its realy beautiful.”

“So,did you choose the toy that you want?You can take anything,we will through everything away anyways.”

My eyes sparkled.I glanced at the doll in a green dress and said:”Thank you,but i don’t need anything,i have everything i need at home.”

My words surprised everyone.They were shocked that a kid refuses to take free toys.And i just didn’t want to seem unmannered and was too prideful to ask for that doll.Nothing actually changed since then.

My birthday is on the 18th of december,wich is just 13 days before New Years,also my mom has a birthday right after me,then my granda’s birthday in January and Christmas.I always asked everyone to give me money for my birthday.The best present fo me was to go shopping and buy presents for everyone but myself.I would buy shampoo’s,perfume,candy,i spent hours and hours choosing stuff and would wait for a moment to give it to the recipient with my breath taken.

When i was about ten years old i wanted to go skiing to Switzerland.I have read the article about how awesome it is there and i started to save money for the trip.I though that if i save 5 rubles each day(i used to get 10 rubles a day for school breakfast) i will have enough money for the trip in a year or so.Then my mom got pregnant with my brother and she needed to buy clothes for the baby.I knew that my parents didn’t have any money at that time,so i suggested to use mine.By that time i already had about 3 thousand rubles(from birthday money and saving on school breakfasts) and i gave them all to mom.

I will never understand how girls marry men who are 40 years older just because they are rich.And apparently taming me with a new fur coat will never work.In fact,i hate natural fur because i love animals and refuse to kill them just to look cool or to eat them.I can’ be bought and that surprises many boys,but i m not looking for a man who will even concider to attract me with his money.Maybe something is wrong with me,but i want to archieve everything by myself,i want to volunteer,help children in need,save rare species of animals,i care about ecology,i want to go skydiving,i want to ride a bike and have fun,while making the world a little bit better.I don’t need a man to help me with all that,i have my plans projects and i m moving forward towards my goals.I need a friend,the one who will share my views and cheer me up while having his own goals and projects.And as for now i have all i need.